It's been a while huh? Reading the witness investigation report was harder on my psyche than I ever thought possible. On the bright side, I've learnt that the statements I was going to write in this blog will need to wait a while. I'm only now breathing easily without having to reach for the benzodiazepines 😕
So many people say that I show a great sense of strength. I don't sense it as strength. Now fear, fear I sense, most hours of every day and when I sleep, I dream shitty dreams. Flashbacks to laying in the operating table. Those theatre lights showing me up as weak, needy, dependent, lonely even when I'm surrounded. I get through each day, one day at a time, not by putting one foot in front of the other....that would be a little ironic. I get by each day, hour, sometimes minutes by looking around me and seeing the love I have. Tammy, our sproglets, our friends, all looking at me and believing in me when I have lost all faith.
I find it fascinating yet inconceivable how many of the amputee stories I read make me feel a complete and utter fucking failure. I know I am seeing the plot and not the back story. Books written by people like Gill Hicks, the lady that lost her legs in the London bombings, made me feel unjustifiably angry. I threw her book across the room so many times when I read it. I felt useless, pointless, worthless. If others can seemingly breeze through the obstacles and come out the other side spouting glorious and uplifting quotes, why is it that when I do finally get out the other side of an obstacle, an obstacle that has has me floundering and gasping for air, all my quotes end up having fuck, shit, bollocks and a plethora of obscenities punctuated with a thrown wheelchair as a full Stop? It doesn't matter how many people, friends, family, psychiatrists, psychologists and Billy fucking no balls that tell me I need to accept my loss, I can't. I'm bright enough to know that it's what I have to do. Doing it seems out of reach.
Some of the things that piss me off....going to kick my shoe off with my other foot #solution....use footplate from wheelchair. Sorted. Itchy foot in bed, no foot to scratch it with #solution...use Tammys foot. sorted. Waking in the night and forgetting I have no right leg and walking towards the loo #solution undiscovered and Tammy has the shit scared out of her and jumps 3ft out of her slumber to help me up. Not sorted. Pedal bins...no! So many things you two legged people take for granted lol.
When I get into bed, I put all my stuff, clothes, books and such like on my wheelchair beside me. One night Tammy brought in an immigrant billywitch, inside her pjs and when she felt a tickle on her shin, screamed, threw the pjs and ran out the room squawking like cat with its tail on fire....where was I? Still trying to get all my shit off my wheelchair so I could get in and vacate with an equally dulcet scream with capabilities to make your ears bleed. This shit isn't funny. I'm petrified of wasps and there is no physical way that I can push my chair, full pelt, whilst simultaneously swatting said stripy buzzard 😡
That said, there's a really cool leg available. It's called a Genium by Otto Bock. It's also extremely expensive so I plan on raising money for one. My idea is a sponsored hand cycle, somewhere, far. I don't ask often, but I need your help. Anyone that wants to help me raise money for this leg, please message me. If I get enough interest I will start a crowd funding page. You could cycle with me, you could get sponsored to spend a whole week in a wheelchair, do a skydive, bungee jump....any ideas would be welcomed. I'm working on a few big ideas while I regroup after my amputation day blog and this will go a long way towards making my life a little easier. You've been on this fucked up journey for a long time. I'm asking, begging, you come through this stage too 🙂
If you want to check out the future chance I have of walking agin, check out the link below Xpeace out ✌🏻️
http://www.ottobock.co.uk/prosthetics/lower_limb_prosthetics/prosthetic-product-
systems/genium_x3-prosthetic-leg/
http://www.ottobock.co.uk/prosthetics/lower_limb_prosthetics/prosthetic-product-systems/genium_x3-prosthetic-leg/
